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note to self. (coffee at midnight isn't a smart idea)
originally, i'd planned on reading bleach until i got tired.
but then i felt like writing. and talking. and lurking.


and so. 
this came to mind.


i'm not missing out.
i'm not losing.
i'm not a failure.
i'm not broken or breaking.
i'm not stuck in the muck and mire of the past.
i'm washed clean in the blood.

no mud left.
no scars to speak of.
just a story of redemption.
of truth.

of THE way. THE truth. and THE life.

i thought i knew the way.
(i was wrong).
i thought i could see the truth.
(how blind i was).
i thought i was reaching for life.
(when really, you only handed me death upon death).

my eyes cringe in the light of this bright sunshine.
for so long i've crept in the darkness of your looming shadow.
but finally, the warmth of truth.
the warmth of daylight kisses my cold heart.
and in this light the darkness seems so obvious.
how did i not know before?

only when you're in the light
can you see the darkness for what it is.

you're not "the darkness".
you're not an evil menace trying to defeat me.

but what you allowed to work through you...
the deception.
the lure of "what if".
the utter lack of open, honest truth.

that's the darkness.

in the light of truth i can finally rest.

it stings.
my eyes may burn a bit.
i may have to get used to this new environment.
but that's fine.

i've seen the way.
i've seen the truth.
i've seen the life.
and the light.

i'm home here.

in the sunlight of truth.


thank you, my God.
Your truth melts away the icey cavern i created in my heart.
i'm happy to be where you are.
without a shadow (of a doubt).
without the shadow in general.
here, with You, my God
i can rest easy.
though the storm rages around me.
the waves yell in protest to Your peace.
i rest on Your chest.
close enough to hear Your steady, resting heart rate.
i never want to move from this place.
i'm overjoyed to be where You are.
without a veil of doubt.
or confusion.
or "what if".
just You.
and i.

though the waters rage around us,
i hear nothing but this heart beat of Yours.
i'm consumed with the "You and i".

i'm consumed.
and i finally rest.
in the arms of MY God.
MY refuge.
MY fortress.
The ground that never vanishes from beneath my feet.

my God, i am consumed.

and that's the first time i've written
without it feeling like pulling teeth in...
i don't even know how long.
it's nice to have those writing juices flowing again.


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