past. present. future.
chloechristine
it's late.
i should be in bed, but i'm planning on skipping out on school on
account of the fact that my dearest rosy has a heart burn problem.
and i feel like i'm cheating on her driving another car to school.

yeah.
this is my brain.

.....

i watch wrecks.
burning.
twirling.
raging wrecks.

i can't help but stare 
or listen
or lurk.

i ask for pain and then laugh at how the present was entirely unimaginable in the past.


.....

"I don't think any less of you"

.....

sometimes, God speaks.
and sometimes, we subliminally share ideas.
or...i share ideas with Him..
and i can feel His head nodding.
or His laugh.

His presence is bliss.
His presence is heaven on earth.
(literally).


.....


have you ever thought:
"my 14 year old self would probably think my 19 year old self pwns"?

sometimes...i think that.
and sometimes i wish i could go tell my 14 year old self to sit down, shut up, and listen to God.
sometimes i want to go tell my younger self to wait it out.
trust God.
fall in love with Him.
(too bad space and time travel were abolished in 1935)

.....

cevon is snoring.
i can hear it through the wall.
considering going to jolt him from his obviously blissful REM.

.....

in my opinion, God made life an adventure.
aaron weiss says: "if they're looking for the sign of the Father, tell 'em it's movement".
(i'm sure i've quoted this in an earlier blog)
but. i completely agree.

the more i know God.

the more i learn how to abide in him...
live and move and have my being vitally united to the Vine...

i find that He is constantly making life exciting.
not, roller coaster exciting.
or river rafting exciting.
or first kiss exciting.
but, interesting exciting.
around every corner is something new.

He's like rushing water.
or rain fall on warm cement.
something beautiful...
and everywhere you look you find something even more enthralling than before.

driving with my boyfriend is a symphony.
worship with an old best friend is da vinci.
being hugged by my dad is a 3 course meal.
singing in the shower is joy.

and this is what i'm continually realizing...

i love to live.
life, for me, is art.
everywhere i turn, i am surprised,
filled with peace,
made to crack up,
or made to shut up.

but the one thing i can rely on is the fact that when I'm seeing the world through
the Creator's eyes, the ordinary becomes a masterpiece.
the boring somehow transforms into entertainment.

my God moves.
(He is never boring, monotonous, or stagnant)
.....

what i'm trying to say, i guess, is....

He makes this world
this life...
a one-of-a-kind work of art.

i'm quite satisfied.

no.
i'm overjoyed to have a beating heart.
to have functioning lungs.
to have thoughts and feelings and...
most of all, to be called His own.

.....

the snoring has ceased.
my eyes are growing heavy.
and my urge to write seems to have been quelled.

.....

THEN SINGS MY SOUL,
MY SAVIOUR GOD TO THEE,
HOW GREAT THOU ART,
HOW GREAT THOU ART.

.....

selah.




plumber.
chloechristine
 Psalm 139: 13-14


for You did form my inward parts;
You did knit me together in my mother's womb.
i will confess and praise You for You are fearful and wonderful
and for the awful wonder of my birth!
wonderful are Your works,
and that my inner self knows right well.



*figuring out, i don't know who i am.

**figuring out, God knows exactly who i am. and who i will be. and who i am becoming.


and that my inner self knows right well.
and i am secure.



selah.

james 1:22 (straight from my actual journal)
chloechristine
 
"But be ye doers of the word, and not hearers only,
deceiving your own selves."



 
yesterday, taylor told me about a discussion he listened to in class.
concerning religious oral traditions.

his professor told the class that oral traditions are really used anymore.
why would we need to use them?
we can so easily write the tradition or thought down
and throw it out of our memory.
keeping the paper to look back on whenever necessary.
we don't need to remember phone numbers because we can just
use the speed dial number "1" or look up a person's name in our contacts.
we don't need memory anymore.

.........


this morning i read today's greek study of james 1:22.
being a doer. not simply a hearer.

and something clicked.

for the first time in my life i realized that i am the epitome of a hearer.

i have an entire bookshelf of books filled with Godly wisdom. 
potentially life changing revelations.
i sit in both services at church almost every sunday. 
and one service on tuesday night.
i pride myself on my amazing listening skills at church.
i take extensive notes.
nod my head.
and say a couple amens when something sparks in my soul.
but the words remain on that paper.
the spark has the intention of turning into a fire
but stays in that seat in the sanctuary...
until i pick it up again at the next service.

i am a great listener. a good note taker.
a KNOWER of the truth.
i have page after page of life-changers...
but day after day
i don't feel much different than i did before i went to church.
i know stuff.
i can remember certain sayings..
but....again and again i thirst for something more.
i regret my actions.
i wonder who i am.

even in my room,
i read and read and read.
and write pages of revelation and immense insight in my journal...
but i open my bedroom door and almost immediately forget what i read.


james 1:23- 25
"For if anyone only listens to the Word without obeying it and
being a doer of it, he is like a man who looks carefully at his [own]
natural face in a mirror;

for he thoughtfully observes himself, and then goes off and promptly 
forgets what he was like.
But he who looks carefully into the faultless law, the [law] of liberty,
and is faithful to it and perseveres in looking into it,
being not a heedless listener who forgets but an active doer
[who obeys], he shall be blessed in his doing (his life of obedience)."
 

i know the right answers to give.
i know sound advice.
i KNOW the Word..
but i continue to keep it at arms length.
not drinking it and ingesting it.
not planting it and tending to it
i write it down,
put it in my phone,
and then save it for when i'll look at it later.

i say to myself, "i'll go home and study this more"
or.
"i'll come back to this journal page and let it sink in".
but i rarely do that.
i convince myself i will so i can make myself feel better,
but i don't do it.

i am a hearer.
not a doer.


and i'm tired of it.
i'm tired of living on the surface.
trying to be happy for that day.
reading the Bible in the morning
but feeling like scum by the evening.

all too often,
i read the pages of the Bible
and take them poetically.
take them like a pretty novel that i'm reading.
the words haven't been allowed to CHANGE me.

there's the occasional change i've experienced.
the basic truths i practice.
but they still haven't sunk very deep.
God's word was meant to REGULARLY,
DAILY transform me.
from glory to glory.


i see my wrongness and i want to make it rightness.
(how many times do we convince ourselves we're applying the Word to our lives,
when really, we're just making ourselves feel good about it until the next service?
never planting or tending or remembering. too often, we are hearers only.)


i want God's word.
i'm thirsty for it to stick. to set in. to remain.
i'm a day-to-day kinda person.
good in the morning. refreshed by the word...but neglecting it the minute my feet leave the room.
and by the evening i'm thirsty again. starving.
(it's a vicious cycle that's wearing me thin)
that's definitely not the way God wanted it.
He wants me chewing on it all day.
every minute.
and letting it seep into my life.
being perpetually refreshed.
hearing His whisper in every moment.
 
(i've been getting it so wrong...)


 
In Jesus' name, i ask right now, Lord...
help me to become a doer.
a person who looks into the mirror and remembers what i see.
i see the deception i've let myself believe for so long,
and i'm ready to kick it in the butt.
i want to have Your word rooted deep in my soul.
and floating around in my head.
affecting and infecting everything i do, say, and think.

make me a doer, Lord.
i can only change with Your help.
 
 

{write it down}
chloechristine
 this morning i've been reading old journal entries from...exactly one year ago.

i didn't realize it until today...
or maybe i'm re-realizing it...
but writing down my thoughts or the current occurrences of my life is an inspired idea.

i think jay was the one who made me wanna start a journal.
(a diary of sorts).
back when i was....about 13 or 14.
and i haven't stopped since then.

for man and woman,
i highly recommend writing down your life.
in thoughts. in activities of the day to come or the day that has past.
in clear words.
or in words you can clearly understand.
(be it poetic or plain).

it can change your life.
it probably won't right away...
(i mean...it may...but...)
after a year,
go back.
read your mind from back then
and look at how much you changed.
how much God taught you
and how much He came through.


the greatest testimony to God's presence in my life is my own past.
i wrote down so many things that He whispered to me.
in my dreams.
in my mornings spent with Him.
even in prayers i wrote out to Him.

the thing is....
if i read someone else's writings
or...journal pages...
it probably wouldn't have such an astonishing effect.
i mean....it potentially could i suppose. 
if i read the journals of the people i know best...
but it still wouldn't be as gripping as my own head.

cause i know myself.
i've lived with myself all of 19 years.
and i know where i've been
all the feelings i've been so sure about
that have completely changed. 
i know all the nights i cried myself to sleep.
or all the prayers i've screamed into pillows.
i know my life.
and seeing how God was the underlining rock i stood on,
through it all...
is....

the greatest testimony to His faithfulness.
His constant presence when i'm being an emotional teenager.
a love-sick girl.
a confused student.
or a heart broken ex.

underneath my yesterdays.
through all the pages of every year.
the tear stained writings and the bold letters...
i see one face coming through.

One patient love.
One peaceful island in the raging storm.
One place to call home.


and that's my God.
the God of my past.
the God of today.
the God who has been my best friend for the majority of my teenage life.

and everyday i see more of Him.
a new side of His love.
something hilarious we laugh about in my car.
or something He comforts me about in my bed.

the greatest testimony to the Personal God is the life i've spent with Him.
and i plan on continuing to play out this testimony until the last breath leaves my lips
and i spend forever hanging out with Him.


(i'm in love)

2010. (don't waste your time with reading this)
chloechristine
 i hate when people ask for things....by suggesting them.
like...
"man, i want that cd"...
when you're currently listening to it on YOUR ipod.
or...
kyle sparx status...
"this shirt is bad! too bad i don't have any money."

if you're gonna ask for something
ask for it.
that's all i'm saying.

(onward and upward)

it's the first day
of 2010.

woke up to the sounds of mom and vic whispering and fiddling around in
the kitchen for...who knows what.
-fell back asleep-
and woke again to jayne slamming my bathroom door shut.
that door is naturally loud i suppose.
(not your fault, lay)

sparkling gems from the greek
(rick renner's daily reading deal)
is so good...
i read today's couple pages and it totally got me off on a good start.


i just realized this post is super plain.
sorta like a high school note i would write in the middle of class...
just because i want my teacher to think i'm taking notes...
when really i'm just being a rebel.

this post is a high school note.


ariana is currently pacing the living room floor,
talking to my mom,
while on the phone with her boyfriend.

that has always cracked me up...

people who are on the phone
but are basically just talking to everyone ELSE!

usually i make some sort of sarcastic remark about it to ari
and tell her to get out of the room...
but...she's a bit out of my sore throat yelling range.
(unfortunately)


mom is jamming the new phil wickham i gave her.
i'm liking the noise.

mmm.

what else can i ramble on and on and on about.


i'm wearing red arkansas  sweats.
a grey long sleeeve shirt.
my hair looks like a grandma
(up in a super tight bun).

cevvy just entered...
looking tired..
"what's up, son!"
and then walked out.


this year is going to be swell..
i just know it.

i think this post has come to it's end.


cez and cev are arguing in the kitchen

 

"i'm gonna sock you in the mouth!"
"everyone hates me..."
blah blah blah.
your run-uh-the-mill morning convo in the chavo house.


and i'm ready to go bust a cap on ariana...
loving-cousin style.





see you next passing period.




SLEEP DEPRIVED. (all caps)
chloechristine
welp.


i can't stop laughing to myself.
yes.
laughing out loud.



why, you ask?



i tooted on jose's couch.
right in the middle of dozing off to sleep while watching
the christmas story with hemmy...
i chloe, tooted on my worship leaders couch.


an hour and a half later
i am still getting off.


(i may be drunk in exhaustion. or embarrassment. i can't decide)

ramblings to learn from
chloechristine
here i am.
sitting on my unfolded futon.
thinking of things.

i'm the type who can get on a train of thought
and look over at the clock soon after and find that it has been
an hour of just....thinking.

this morning the thought topic was as follows:

what could be the worst thing that could ever happen to me?
what would make my heart throb and ache?
what would make me feel like i want to pour out my tears in pitchers and gallons instead of just
those tiny droplets?

this led to one terrible thought after another.
death
lies
neglect
and
regret

i imagined the initial experience...
the event that would take place to cause such pain.

then i imagined myself alone.
reeling in anguish.

(why would i choose to think of such a thing, you may ask?
well. i honestly don't know.
i've recently come to discover that i am a mystery to myself.
one thought led to another
which led to another
which led to this)

i suppose.
trying to imagine that pain.
feel the ripping and shredding of my heart...
will in some way prepare me for the actual event.
(if and when...they happen)

as i felt my eyes start to pulse
and well up...
a voice put a halt on the speeding train.
(of thought)

"But I am never going to leave you, Chloe.
Come death, you will still live with Me.
Come tearing apart, you are still knitted to Me.
Come betrayal, I remain faithful."

I realized there...
or...here.
on my futon.
that even in all these worst case scenario events i conjured up in my imagination,
it would still not be as bad as it can get.

my heart may be in shambles
my brain scattered and torn
my body broken
my closest companions gone...
but it can never be as bad as it could get.

the One who destined me to be His daughter
cannot leave me.
He promises to never leave me or forsake me.
and He is bound by His words.

so, literally.
come death.
come heart break.
come abandonment
and pain...
come hell or waters high
i am still set.

i am still safe
sitting on my Father's lap.
held in His embrace
and sheltered from the freezing storms.





i think what i'm trying to say is:

my worst case scenario stopped existing
the day that God moved into my neighborhood.

I am safe.



"...for He [God] Himself has said,
I will not in any way fail you nor give you up
nor leave you without support.
[I will] not
[I will] not
[I will] not
in any degree leave you helpless
nor forsake
nor let [you] down
(relax My hold on you)!

[ASSUREDLY NOT!]"

-hebrews 13:5





if you were a vegetable i would call you avocado
chloechristine
if i knew where i was
i would know i was in the wrong place

if this looked like the past
then un-comfort would flood in
where the comfortable once took root

if you looked like him
then it wouldn't be you i wanted

leaves are fish
cold air stimulates my love for you
and i wake up wanting to suck the life out of every moment

when will november the 23rd of 2009 ever be here again?

today i am cold
and happy
full
and okay with it.
have a runny nose and
don't care
reminiscing and
standing in awe of what life is.

life is the greatest mystery known to man.

searching
stroking
grasping
gasping
and
gripping

life is the aim
and Life is the answer.

i've taken two steps up
and
i plan on never going back down

(sheol)
abandonment.

my soul sings an elaborate tune
as my heart beats faster and faster
and soon comes to a stop

You are like watching a sunrise over a vast ocean
or
hearing the sounds of a perfectly orchestrated symphony.

You terrify me
yet
I keep reaching towards you

You make me shudder in utter fear
but it's You that my deepest longings seek

You are more beautiful than words
more mighty than the raging winds.
You are the most frightening of forces
and the place i call my home.

I guess what i'm trying to say is:
Dear God! You are more than anything i've ever known.

my words are crap
my sad attempts at describing the fluttering of Your presence in my chest

i don't deserve You
i don't deserve this.


i am alive
and You are my heart beat
the blood in my veins
the nerve endings on my fingertips
the deep breath in this cold air.

You are what it is to be alive.

more magnificent.
(period)

today is monday
and today is the only today i'm ever gonna have.

i'm gonna be freezing
i'm gonna be full
i'm gonna crack up at myself
fill my ears with music
walk as fast and as slow as i can
enjoy every moment
just because i can.
because today is a gift
and i want every bit.


if i knew where i was
i would know i was in the wrong place
you are like nothing i know
and nothing i knew i wanted.

today i've decided to stay.

{pause and calmly}


(no subject)
chloechristine
 but, Jesus, You make me feel renewed.

july fourth two thousand and nine at eleven twenty four ay-em
chloechristine
 are you chasing the eternal?



are you found on the Rock?



(reading old journal pages makes me re-think. everything.)



are you chasing the eternal?



are you found on the Rock?
 

?

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