selah

if i knew where i was
i would know i was in the wrong place

if this looked like the past
then un-comfort would flood in
where the comfortable once took root

if you looked like him
then it wouldn't be you i wanted

leaves are fish
cold air stimulates my love for you
and i wake up wanting to suck the life out of every moment

when will november the 23rd of 2009 ever be here again?

today i am cold
and happy
full
and okay with it.
have a runny nose and
don't care
reminiscing and
standing in awe of what life is.

life is the greatest mystery known to man.

searching
stroking
grasping
gasping
and
gripping

life is the aim
and Life is the answer.

i've take two steps up
and
i plan on never going back down

(sheol)
abandonment.

my soul sings an elaborate tune
as my heart beats faster and faster
and soon comes to a stop

You are like watching a sunrise over a vast ocean
or
hearing the sounds of a perfectly orchestrated symphony.

You terrify me
yet
I keep reaching towards you

You make me shudder in utter fear
but it's You that my deepest longings seek

You are more beautiful than words
more mighty than the raging winds.
You are the most frightening of force
and the place i call my home.

I guess what i'm trying to say is:
Dear God! You are more than anything i've ever known.

my words are crap
my sad attempts at describing the fluttering of Your presence in my chest

i don't deserve You
i don't deserve this.


i am alive
and You are my heart beat
the blood in my veins
the nerve endings on my fingertips
the deep breath in this cold air.

You are what it is to be alive.

more magnificent.
(period)

today is monday
and today is the only today i'm gonna ever have.

i'm gonna be freezing
i'm gonna be full
i'm gonna crack up at myself
fill my ears with music
walk as fast and as slow as i can
enjoy every moment
just because i can.
because today is a gift
and i want every bit.


if i knew where i was
i would know i was in the wrong place
you are like nothing i know
and nothing i knew i wanted.

today i've decided to stay.

{pause and calmly}

 but, Jesus, You make me feel renewed.

 are you chasing the eternal?



are you found on the Rock?



(reading old journal pages makes me re-think. everything.)



are you chasing the eternal?



are you found on the Rock?

one small step at a time
she walks into the sea.
the water that once chilled her to the bone
now feels warm and welcoming.
(further in she wades)
the crystal clear has made it's way to her chin
and she wonders if she should start to swim 
(instead she continues to walk)
uno a uno las partes de su cuerpo son cubrio
mouth
nose
eyes, then eyelids
forehead 
and 
hair
completely submerged, she opens her eyes
as they adjust to the liquid they've encountered.
she continues to walk.
each step takes her further out
and deeper in.
her lungs take in water
reacting as if it were oxygen 
(slow and deep)
the sand beneath her feet is like the fabric of a bed
soft and moldable, it begins to engulf each toe with every move.
the sea weed,
stones,
and small fish rub against her legs.
(smiling she greets them)
glancing down, she sees a small shimmering among the plants.
she bends
she reaches
she clasps a small amount of sand where the object was seen.
opening her grip
she peers in
and the sand falls lightly back to the ocean floor.
"There you are!"
she says as she turns around abruptly
and makes her way back to the shore.

......


if by the fault of my hand
or 
the slip of my step,
if through the rush of my thought
or
the lack of my tongue,
if from the pride of my soul
or
the fear of my heart,
if by the fault of my hand
i drop you.
or leave you falling to the depths.
if i abandon you in darkness.
or hide my face from you in shame.
if you turn to run and i fail to chase.
if you are still and i jump.
if you speak and i am silent.
if i leave you falling to the depths,
i promise to search you out.
to open my eyes and see you.
to pick up my feet and catch you.
to sit and be near you.
to force out speech and converse.

if by the slip of my step you are lost,
be assured that soon enough
you will be found.


my pearl.

i don't know what it is about rain
but, whenever it comes
everything seems to get better

it rained all night
(as far as i know)
i could hear the drops hitting my window
as i drifted in and out of less-than-deep sleep

the drive to class
was filled with song after song
that fit the morning to a tee

walking through puddles with high legged boots on
holding my purple umbrella at a tilt to sheild me from the wind blown rain
tucking my one free hand into the thick brown-green coat pocket
all of it seemed to bring some new joy

grandma invited me over for hot soup
dad told me about a random "trivia" fact that he thought i'd enjoy
best friends made me laugh
and
the warmth of His security stitched deeper into my core

these are the things that all come into alignment
straightened out
i can see much more clearly when it rains
and when it pours

so come rushing to the earth
sweet smelling droplets
grace my bedroom window
tumble down my windsheild
and splatter on my boots.

you're a welcomed guest
and a long lost friend.


(thank You, Jesus for the rain.)

sometimes
you need to open your eyes
to see Him in the everyday.


selah 

i wrote a song today.
i've written a song everyday for almost a week now.
it's usually when i drive to school in the morning...
when i have this urge to turn off my blasted iPod,
roll down my not so automatic windows
and let the cool morning air fill up the caverns of my car.

that's when i write the best music.

and no one will hear them.
no one is there to hear me sing or hum a note...
except my God.
and we laugh together at the thought of these songs.
why do i never work on them?
or write chords to them?
because sometimes....
a song
is just meant to be sung in a car.
with the windows down.
when my heart is in perfect communion with the Song Inspirer.
and that is when they are perfect.


the songs i sing are for His ears only.

maybe one day
we'll write one that will make it outside of my car door...
but that day is not today.


 ............
hum.
a.
tune.

walk 
to 
the 
rhythm

stand 
at
attention

and


grasp 
His
hand
like
you're 
sure.





selah.
(i'm sure)

until it alights in an orange glow.
raises her permit to it's resting place on her rear view mirror
like an ornament on a christmas tree.
gathers her belongings and braces herself
for the morning chill that howls through the all-but-airtight car.
the minutes crawl slowly by
and she waves at each second as her morning waltzes away.
early arrival
turns
into
late rush.

the chittering and chattering of three girls fills the outside air around the shuttle stop.

the grumbling of the bus' engine quiets the girls down.
they all stand at attention
and begin to shuffle towards the loading zone.
the art of standing on a bus is a hard one to master.
it takes all the muscles in one's body not to fall.
especially if one has a speedy bus driver at the wheel.
they jerk to a stop.
leap into acceleration.
turn as if they don't have a twenty foot tail behind them.

pushing
shoving
waiting
more pushing
more shoving
standing 
surfing the waves of traffic.

and stepping out,
she kisses the stable ground.
that doesn't shove her
that doesn't push ahead in line
that doesn't make her wait for a ride
or balance as it speeds ahead...

she starts to briskly walk towards
another large crowd of people.

to wait
and shove
and rush.


.....................
good morning.

come out
come out
wherever you are.

show your face.
i know you're in there somewhere.


come.

i am a grown up.
(stand tall and twittles with bow-tie,
gazing proudly into the horizon)

the more i think i know
the more i realize
i know nothing.

i don't know a dadgum thing.

i don't know what it is.
i don't know who to see.
i don't know who this is.

i'm a bundle of uncertainty
in an uncertain world.

gripping the dark in vain to find a stable hold.
i wish to hold....(insert unknown or unspoken thought)

i've forgotten
and
released my firm foundation.
tossed out the window like a precious diamond on the freeway.
flying far behind me as i speed along.

i've thrown you right out my window
and
i've decided
i've discovered
i need you back.

so i'm turning around.
on this dangerous freeway.
cars coming head on
to find you.

 come back my precious diamond
i am so lost and confused without you.
who is this.
where are we walking.

come back, my Sweet Song.
sing the highs and lows of our love songs into my ears once more.
i long for the soft touch of Your breath on my cheek
the gentle grasp of my hand.
pull me along side You.
who am i.
i've forgotten.

please take me into Your strong caress
and don't let me go.
no matter how much i fidget and fuss.
i need this.
i need You.

come back my Precious Diamond.

i'm lost without You.
i am lost.


(find me)

 she sits in the window filled room.
her left leg resting slightly further out than her right.
leaning on her cain
she stares blankly out onto the sun filled lake.

love has left her
life has gone by.
the ups
the downs
the pain and the joy.

now, she sits in her future
waiting for the next adventure.

she studies
and remembers
watches
and remembers
talks and listens.

she is the well of wisdom
occupying a foot or two on the stiff couch.

slowly
people arrive.
finding seats around
and behind
and right next to her.

curious.

not conditioned for the sitting and the watching.

questions swirl above her head
chitter
and
chatter.

she reaches up to the sky and pulls one down.
puts it into her left ear.
and out comes the answer.


filtered through a coarse voice.
worn from a couple yells
plenty of song
and her early years of smoking.

she answers with complete confidence
and ease.
her voice scratchy but calm.
walking it's way into her visitor's ears.


i look at her
and smile when we make eye contact.
her glasses are reflective enough to make
the space where her eyes should be
reveal only her surroundings.
as it should be.
she is her surrounding.
she is what she sees.

i look into the mirrors and see her point of view.
she speaks directly to me.

these are that.
and those or this.

they come and go
and fly and flee.

but only at this time
and this hour
at this date.

four in the morning.
this coming october.
three hour drive.

i turn away
and let her voice softly rumble
on my eardrum.
looking deep into the mirky water
i see small white fish
large turtles
and geese in the distance.

they speak and flap their wings
chatting about the sunrise
the cool water on their flippers
and the fish that swim by and tickle the bottoms of their bellies.

this is life.
this is home.
in the water.
under the russian olive.

with the fish
and the turtles
and the geese.

i turn to see the woman still chatting away...
i smile again
and think to myself,
"this is life".


selah 

deep and wide.
deep and wonderful.

(one man's trash is another man's treasure)


i guess what i'm trying to say is....

i breath deep.
i open my eyes to see what's next.
step.
search.
reach.
dig.

something 
is
different.

(welcome, change)

one, two, three times a charm.


sweetly singing
a soft melody
your voice rushes through my ears
and sends....

spinal tap.

(assortment)

old and gray.


i want a crock pot cooking on the counter at home.
slow.
slow.

eh,
i don't really care who understands.
you'll figure it out.

or, maybe you won't.

either way.

(i'm not that complex)


plant
water
grow

like a flower
blooming from the melting snow
please rear your lovely head.


greet the sunlight
and
stay awhile.


two things i know for sure,
yes, 
three things i'm positive of:

1. sweet
2. sweet
3. surrender.


eh.
i don't care.
(irony)

this doesn't deserve a,
selah

 do you title your papers before you write them?
i usually do.
sometimes they are what i'm planning on writing
and sometimes they are just things i hear or see.

today.
it's just a feeling i have.


i stressed for two whole days about something.
something that made me cry.
and roll around on my floor in extreme anxiety about.

prayed to God.
and He yelled in my ear one verse...

isaiah 43:1-3
"but now [in spite of past judgments for Israel's sins], thus says the Lord,
He who created you, O Jacob, and He who formed you, O Israel; 
fear not,
for i have redeemed you
[ransomed you by paying a price instead of leaving you captives];
i have called you by your name
YOU ARE MINE.
when you pass through the waters, i will be with you,
and through the rivers, they will not overwhelm you.
when you walk through the fire, you will not be burned or scorched,
nor will the flame kindle upon you.
for i am the Lord your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior..."


i am His.
and He is always with me.
abiding within the hollows of my chest.
and no matter what i get accused of
or who says what.
no matter who's flaming tongue conjures about me
or who's drowning perceptions engulf me
He will always remain.
hold my head above the waters
and help me wade to shore.

He will never leave me without support.
will not
will not
will not.
no never.


and i think i know what the theme of this week's lessons is...
He is sure.

a foundation in the waves
a refuge from the flames
and knowing Him is my only safe route.

knowing Him may be thee single greatest treasure i have ever found.

He is my one possession
and i count every single thing
from great
to small
i count it all as dung
compared to the abundant joy of calling Him my own.

my Savior.

hallelujah.

come gossip.
come slanderers.


i will stand in His name.
i will stand in His presence
redeemed.


hallelujah.


i am chloe, the redeemed.



selah.

i'm no cover up for a zit you still have bulging.
i'm no pain medicine that treats the symptoms but not the sickness.
i'm no weed wacker that chops the plant but leaves the root.

(do you deal with your roots?)

i'm not paint over the past.

the sun is like a strong-personalitied friend.
you like her in small doses
but, spending too much time with her makes you tired
bothered
and possibly suburned.
the sun is like a strong-personalitied friend.


mom is home.
she's walking around the house crying...
in joy i hope.
she's the type who cries for many occasions.
happiness.
stress.
sadness.
home sickness,


sometimes
i'd rather listen to quiet than listen to noise.
not silence.
but quiet.
the kind of quiet you find while taking a short
walk around your cul-de-sac.
the kind you get in the really early morning,
before you hear mom making coffee and watering her plants,
the kind you get in the car with all the windows down.

the noises that are just noises are my favorite.
the soft ones.
like water,
or air.
or trees creaking and swaying.

have you ever heard a tree creak?
i have.

i like the sound of bare feet on cement
and the sound of breathing.

it reminds me that i can make all the music i want
i can sing all i want
and play all i want
but the best sounds i hear by just living.

breathing
heart beats
the pittering-pattering sounds of my bare feet


i like being alive.


now more than ever.



i like to live.


a bunch of random words
and thoughts.

mggh.





selah.
writing for the sake of writing.

jump. laugh.

girls room.

cha cha.

sweltering streets.

control.

photographer.

all tied up.

reach.

reflect

lost.

tongue.

wut

strut

tease

sunshine

beloveds.

wonder.

aglow.

"i heart G"

feed

feef

hotel room

morning.

tetris

oceans deep and wide

helping hands

jai ho

rockerz

walk

"boogers"

bartering.

COOL.

not so naked

sunset

cramped quarters

rest

festival

nails on ice

seating

ice cream

sunset (pt. II)

"want shmore"

blue steel

fence

reach

peek

hobo potatoes

family

"gufe"

and then my camera died.



it's late.
i've watched misery three times in the past two days.
cherish and lydia are sceaming in fear and shock.

my head is itchy.
and so is my back.


my nails look like m&m's.

i retreived my Rosy from dad today.
she now has a working antenna.
jammed some radio for the first time. ever in rosy.

sexual healing came on.
just my luck.
thankfully i know all the words.
oh, marvin gaye. you pwn.

bought michael's number one hits.
and thirty blank cd's to back up my iTunes library.
(better safe than sorry)
i also got a snickers.

my clothes are still scattered across my room.
i wasn't up for a huge cleaning day today.
but tomorrow may be more promising.

"i was fooling, silly"

full.



liberace is not beethoven.



it's late.
and i've run my course.
and my words mean nothing.







go
to
bed.















maybe tomorrow.

selah
(the blues)

home at last.
scary waking up this morning and not feeling like i needed to look presentable.

i went to bed with my mind
running laps around a few ideas

(you are promising, speak up)


i miss the road.
i miss my new family.
i miss waking up and seeingg.....
just seeing.
(we'll leave it unsaid)


if actions really do speak louder than words
then i've been yelling one phrase continually.
if actions really do speak louder than words
then you need to open your eyes and hear what i'm saying.

blindness.


for some reason nothing here makes sense anymore
i wanna learn
but, going to school in a few weeks sounds like cruel and unusual punishment.

i don't want a job
i don't want to wake up in my bedroom every morning.

i miss my mom
and family,
and church...
but
i miss the world.
the sunrise.
the sunset.
the rain.
the ocean.
the forests.
the roadkill. (you heard me)
the lack of cell phone service.
the rivers and lakes.
the security in an unknown city.
the playlist for every scenery.

rain.
sun.
exhaustion.
fun.

why is it okay to settle here?

i want to move.
my legs are tied to this ground.
"run".
jump
and swim
and dive deep


is this okay?
(maybe i'm wrong)
maybe we were meant to stay.
to be continuous.
i want un-expected.
i want the un-known.
i want to roam.

is this okay?
(maybe i'm wrong)



the lighter side.

i cleaned up everything this morning.
stayed in bed WAY too late because i could.
listened to my own music
on my own iPod speaker-thing, because i could.
rolled around, alone, under my very own blankets, because i could.

took a shower.
tried to rip the dadgumm bump off my nose.
washed my face and such.
de-dry-skinned my feet and finger tips.
read about hezekiah.

now, hezekiah is quite a guy.
he's sorta like me.

he trusted in himself.
all the trees he could cut down.
the cities he had lain to waste,
and forgot that God had predetermined his many victories.
that God orchestrated his plans.
(He makes all things work together for good)

i like to be in control
i like to say:
"this goes here"
and
"that goes there"
i like to steer my own ship
and captain my own seas.

God is pilot.
not "co-pilot".


mmmm.

i will give up my rights.

take the reins.
take the wheel.
(cliche? true? who cares)

because i know what i want now.
and what i've had is not what i want anymore.

i see something new.
and hopeful.
person

and i know You can guide me in the way i should go.

it sucks not knowing what you think.
and it sucks being here in my house,
not knowing where you put your heart.


(God only knows)

and so i'm putting my trust in Him.



i wish i knew what you were thinking.
enigma.

i'll wait to see where you go.















selah
(i'm a safe place)

scout's honor.

worth the effort.
worth the effort.


burn in the sun with me.
swim in the deep with me.
run from fear with me.
dive deep.

i have no other changes.
i'm sick of all their projects.

(i am not our psych)

i cannot fix you.

i'm not going to fix you.


because i refuse to do that again.

so, fix yourself.










mmmm....


and,
you come.
fixed and ready.

my eyes open to the sun you shine
and the heat feels grand.
(my bones are cold)


warm me up.














if only i didn't have to be so all encompassing.
if only the words we're here for you to see.
if only i wasn't a coward.

(if only you weren't a coward)








i promise you're safe.
i don't need fixing.
i need to run.
let's run.





















goodness gracious.
(mayday mayday)

i'm going home tomorrow.
what will home be like now.
after i've seen what i want
and loved what i've seen.

my eyes have seen the coming of the glory of.....
(well, you know the rest)


no more low standards for me.
who cares what we did.
who cares how long i've spent.

i move 
i stride into my future 
head held high
eyes up

no longer hoping to raise the dead
(relive)




nonchalant, 
please make the effort.

oh quietness,
please speak up.

peace,
i want to feel your arms around my back and arms
and chest.
wrap me up in your embrace.

i'm ready.
and 
willing.




please, oh stillness,
come to life.





selah.
(i'm ready)

God is capitalized.
god.


sometimes.
somedays.
i get so confused.

humans are so unreliable.
one day i think one thing and then the next i don't even remember what i once thought.
one minute i enjoy you and the next i don't.

humans are fickle
i am fickle.
like the waves of the sea,
each one is different.
one comes in strong and high
one low and soothing.

you never know how or when the next wave is going to come in.

like notes on a piano
i want to play out today in a beautiful melody
without a sour note
or wrong key

my thoughts are the keys
and today i choose to play a song in my heart.


of stability.
i will choose where i am going
and unlike
floating on a river
wherever the current takes me
i will row
and paddle in the direction He points.

i do not float.
i do not make bad music.

i paddle
and
i play.



i love bend, oregon.

i love to live.

selah.
play.

sitting in lynds and eric's guest bedroom.
getting ready to go floating down a real live river in oregon.

the "parents" of the house are out shopping for some
sort of floating devices we can all use.

my hair smells like heaven,
for once this trip.
after the ocean extravaganza my hair was so yuccky.
the ocean tastes like boogers.
(not my words)

i miss my home, 
but i've never felt so at home with my best friends.
thank You God for these people.
i could travel the whole world with them.

even when we fight i love them
even when they bust out a curse or two, i love them
even when we're all tired and un-talkative, i love them.

being away also helps me think about a lot.

what i'm doing with my life.
where i'm headed.

mmmm.
i wonder who.
i wonder where.
i wonder when.

my life isn't here to figure who i am.
but to figure out who Christ is.
and that is where i find fullness.

who cares where i go.
or what i do.
as long as i'm doing it entirely for His pleasure.

the SEAS obey Him.
the forests of Oregon raise their branches in praise of His glory.
the earth declares His beauty.
and i can't get enough of His magnificence.

this trip has been heaven.

where am i going?

towards Him.


selah.
it ain't me babe.

i hope you like night time car rides.
because i love em.


i drove home tonight.
all alone
in my baby rosy
with all the windows down (of course)
and listened to some amazing music.

one of my favorite things to do is
to pick songs that fit moods.
or scenery.

i'm best at picking night time music.


tonight the list consisted of MUTEMATH, ray charles, wyclef, and radiohead.
perfect playlist.

i feel like a creeper,
but i was totally yell-singing all the lyrics to the songs....

but, good lord, can't a girl have some fun for once?
i enjoy mood music
i enjoy night time car rides
i enjoy the wind blowing my hair all over the place....
so shoot me,

i also took pictures of this refreshing ride home...
because i thought the city looked pretty....
they didn't turn out as cool as i planned,
but they're sorta pretty in their own way.




side mirror


rear view


(this is when i pulled into my driveway)

ppppfffffffffffffffff.
hahahah.

on a happier note:

the trip is in 3 freakin' days.
WHOA.
that literally jumped out of nowhere.
we have a couple tickets to buy.
the zoo.
six flags.
scream.
cope.

and then, bon voyage.

i can't wait to see the beach.
i'm most excited for that.

i wanna make my toes sink into the sand.
that has always looked so fun.

my lil sis is watching it now.
literally.
there are like three movies my family watches religiously:
nacho libre
sleepless in seattle
13 going on thirty
and
i am legend.

okay, let's make it four.
i'm sure i could think of more....
i like my family.


my right hand is going numb and it keeps not moving.
creepy.
and now it's hurting!
hahaha.


cherish just came up to me saying...:
"hey chloe?"
yes cherish?
"i was just thinking....when you move out,
either me or cev is gonna get your room."
yep. you're probably right, cher.
"i'm guessing it's gonna be me."
i like cherish.
sometimes.....

there is this tiny little baby moth hovering around my face.
we always have lil baby bugs in this house...
cause mom leaves the doors open.
i tell her not to,
but does she listen?
no!

hahah.

the storm '09 is gonna pwn.
it's gonna bust my/your gut.
it's gonna make you cry.
and make you think.
and change you.
or at least....start the process.
you know why?
because God will be there.
living
breathing
active and
interested in what the youth of albuquerque
are gonna expect from Him.

expect big.
because He is a big God
.
don't insult Him by just asking HIm to give you a good time.
ask Him to flip your life upside down.

He answers when you knock
and keep on knocking.
when you seek
and keep on seeking
when you ask and
continue to ask and ask and ask.

(even if you don't know the full effects of your requests)
just trust Him.

and be ready for something BIG.

mom made chocolate chip cookies.
homemade-status.
from scratch.
they are so so so good.
and i'm gonna go grab a huge glass of milk and
dip em in it.

that font is sorta hard to read, huh??
yes.

this moth is acting like a lil retawd.
he keeps spazzing out.
moths are so gross.
and hairy.
yuccckkk.


i went to flying alone this evening.
to read.
i love reading.
and i love being in random places alone.

(this lil habit sorta started this summer and i'm loving it)

being alone.
and not lonely.
just....alone.

which is turning out to be pretty swell.

(pause....
i'm gonna go get my glass of milk...
hold please.)
:)

..........................................

glass of milk in pink cup=sheer delight

cez decided to jump into the shower...
"the" shower
aka
the shower that is located in the bathroom
which is located in my bedroom.
she takes the longest showers EVIUHHH.
and makes my room all hot.
like the tropics sort of hot.
or like oklahoma.
bleggghhh.

tomorrow?
internship.
re-stringing my guitar.
and then worship and YX.

a whole day in the house.
STOKED!
(not sarcasm)

my OCD is making me do these in order.
so, i have to do one lil statement in this "crossing out the letters" format.

ahhhh.
much better.
i just spilled milk on the keyboard.
is that bad?
are my fingers totally gonna get electrocuted any second here???
i sure hope not.
i like my fingers.
how else would i drink milk?
or hold a cup?
or give a hi-five?
or ghetto hand hold?
i hope my fingers don't get fried.
AMEN.


"we can't become who we NEED to be by remaining who we ARE"
ending thought.

cez is done with her shower.
and i am done with today's LJ.


selah.
i'm starting to actually like this whole integrity thing.
ha.