selah

i hope you like night time car rides.
because i love em.


i drove home tonight.
all alone
in my baby rosy
with all the windows down (of course)
and listened to some amazing music.

one of my favorite things to do is
to pick songs that fit moods.
or scenery.

i'm best at picking night time music.


tonight the list consisted of MUTEMATH, ray charles, wyclef, and radiohead.
perfect playlist.

i feel like a creeper,
but i was totally yell-singing all the lyrics to the songs....

but, good lord, can't a girl have some fun for once?
i enjoy mood music
i enjoy night time car rides
i enjoy the wind blowing my hair all over the place....
so shoot me,

i also took pictures of this refreshing ride home...
because i thought the city looked pretty....
they didn't turn out as cool as i planned,
but they're sorta pretty in their own way.




side mirror


rear view


(this is when i pulled into my driveway)

ppppfffffffffffffffff.
hahahah.

on a happier note:

the trip is in 3 freakin' days.
WHOA.
that literally jumped out of nowhere.
we have a couple tickets to buy.
the zoo.
six flags.
scream.
cope.

and then, bon voyage.

i can't wait to see the beach.
i'm most excited for that.

i wanna make my toes sink into the sand.
that has always looked so fun.

my lil sis is watching it now.
literally.
there are like three movies my family watches religiously:
nacho libre
sleepless in seattle
13 going on thirty
and
i am legend.

okay, let's make it four.
i'm sure i could think of more....
i like my family.


my right hand is going numb and it keeps not moving.
creepy.
and now it's hurting!
hahaha.


cherish just came up to me saying...:
"hey chloe?"
yes cherish?
"i was just thinking....when you move out,
either me or cev is gonna get your room."
yep. you're probably right, cher.
"i'm guessing it's gonna be me."
i like cherish.
sometimes.....

there is this tiny little baby moth hovering around my face.
we always have lil baby bugs in this house...
cause mom leaves the doors open.
i tell her not to,
but does she listen?
no!

hahah.

the storm '09 is gonna pwn.
it's gonna bust my/your gut.
it's gonna make you cry.
and make you think.
and change you.
or at least....start the process.
you know why?
because God will be there.
living
breathing
active and
interested in what the youth of albuquerque
are gonna expect from Him.

expect big.
because He is a big God
.
don't insult Him by just asking HIm to give you a good time.
ask Him to flip your life upside down.

He answers when you knock
and keep on knocking.
when you seek
and keep on seeking
when you ask and
continue to ask and ask and ask.

(even if you don't know the full effects of your requests)
just trust Him.

and be ready for something BIG.

mom made chocolate chip cookies.
homemade-status.
from scratch.
they are so so so good.
and i'm gonna go grab a huge glass of milk and
dip em in it.

that font is sorta hard to read, huh??
yes.

this moth is acting like a lil retawd.
he keeps spazzing out.
moths are so gross.
and hairy.
yuccckkk.


i went to flying alone this evening.
to read.
i love reading.
and i love being in random places alone.

(this lil habit sorta started this summer and i'm loving it)

being alone.
and not lonely.
just....alone.

which is turning out to be pretty swell.

(pause....
i'm gonna go get my glass of milk...
hold please.)
:)

..........................................

glass of milk in pink cup=sheer delight

cez decided to jump into the shower...
"the" shower
aka
the shower that is located in the bathroom
which is located in my bedroom.
she takes the longest showers EVIUHHH.
and makes my room all hot.
like the tropics sort of hot.
or like oklahoma.
bleggghhh.

tomorrow?
internship.
re-stringing my guitar.
and then worship and YX.

a whole day in the house.
STOKED!
(not sarcasm)

my OCD is making me do these in order.
so, i have to do one lil statement in this "crossing out the letters" format.

ahhhh.
much better.
i just spilled milk on the keyboard.
is that bad?
are my fingers totally gonna get electrocuted any second here???
i sure hope not.
i like my fingers.
how else would i drink milk?
or hold a cup?
or give a hi-five?
or ghetto hand hold?
i hope my fingers don't get fried.
AMEN.


"we can't become who we NEED to be by remaining who we ARE"
ending thought.

cez is done with her shower.
and i am done with today's LJ.


selah.
i'm starting to actually like this whole integrity thing.
ha.

that this is how you artichokes?

i sure didn't.

artichoke sandwiches are my new favorite.

i hope i don't turn green or something...

today is a good day.
and that's all that needs to be said.

:)

say, "la".

cherish and cez and i are watching toy story.
one.
not the second one.
the girl cowboy....or cowgirl in that one annoys the crap outta me.

if they were watching two,
i'd go do something else

but since they're watching one,
i'm loving life.



ps. "hannah! jayn-ie's all better now!"

pss. "she's lying! whatever she's says, it's not true!"

"the effect of criticism is a dividing up of the powers of the one criticized;
the Holy Ghost is the only One in the true position to criticize.
He alone is able to show what is wrong without hurting and wounding.
It is impossible to enter into communion with God
when you are in a critical temper:
it makes you hard and vindictive and cruel,
and leaves you with the flattering unction that you are a superior person"






"every wrong thing that i see in you,
God locates in me"

(romans 2:17-20. matthew7:1)





don't worry, bee.
you were right.

i was wrong.


selah.
glorious.

(step #1: realize and admit your stupidity, chloe)
check.

i forgot about this lil fella.
probably because freakin myspace has taken over the minds of
the majority of human life here on the internet.

i was about to write some dumb, ghetto bulletin and
realized:
"oh yeah, i don't actually care if anyone reads this so
why don't i just spare people the trouble and right it on LJ??"

people who write 100000000000000000000 bulletins frustrate me.
I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU'RE DOING EVERY FIVE SECONDS
and i DON'T want to "txt" you.

(not bitter or ANYTHEEENNGGG)
12 days till the STORM.
hallelujah.
which means
like three-ish weeks till the trip.
things will be "fixed" by then...
with everyone
and it's going to be so so so wonderful.
(in Jesus' name)

i'm so wrong.
in everything, as of late.

boys.
friends.
who i am
and who i claim to be.
boys.
my views and restraints on God.
my lack of a true, humble, surrendered view of Him

everything about me is under-construction.
as of yesterday during internship.
EVERYTHING is now
under construction.

it's probably gonna be a messy change.
but i know it's worth it.

"...not by might nor by power, but by My Spirit,’ Says the LORD of hosts."
(zechariah 4:6)

i feel like i have
or HAD
so much to say...
write....
type....
but hearing jack black talking in his
"mexican" accent is making me lose my train of thought.

oh well.
mmmm.
there's always tomorrow.
or later tonight.

time is my oyster.


"chloe is" under construction.

selah

God is great.

all He is, is everything you're not.
stability.

when the sun rises in the morning i feel His breath on my cold shoulder
His voice echoes in my hollow heart and makes the blood flow again.
(hope)

and when Love is in my house, my house is packed.

i forgive you.
for everything.
ever.
( in jesus' name, i say, i forgive you...and one day i'll feel like i've finally done it )

college.....here i come.

six days till the end of high school.
my last real weekend.
a morning with my best friend and my Deepest Lover is a morning i wouldn't trade for the world.
(even if we were resting our feet on dirt covered porch chairs)

the birds sing a melody sweeter than any composer could ever write.
they keep rhythm.
beat by beat and note by note they proclaim God's intricate workings and awesome power.

listen, lost lover!
(for once)

blindside and mwY have a song for every mood i've ever been in.
and the funny thing is, i can relate my personal experiences with everything they say....
"trade love for the city lights, tonight, and you chose me to stay"

i'm one for an adventure.
and God is a wild man.

i'm one for the perfect music and the perfect mood
and God is the Composer.

i'm one for a night sky filled with stars
and God is the star breather.

i think i'm in love.

witches,
suicide,
and the words of my mouth.
You are more interesting than anything i've known.

You are my hope.
the pulse in my veins
and i do believe i'm in love.

nothing will stop You.
You hunt me down and i grab Your hand like i'm falling from a cliff
(and maybe i am falling)

You do not sleep just so you can always be awake in case i need You.
You watch me breath and smile...
knowing all the plans You have for me at the coming dawn.

yes, dear Jesus,
i am in love.

thank You for my beloveds.
for another day to live in this beautiful world.
for every opportunity
and all Your mercy.

You will remain.

You hold my heart.
You are my deepest satisfaction.

i refuse to live one moment outside of Your arms....

always be near.
i am Yours.

now that's an entry.
be still.
selah.

remember this pain.
and do not be quick to run back to the unstable house.

remember the utter agony of this abandonment
and do not return to the tomb.

remember these flowing embodiments of sadness
and do not be quick to store them away
in some far off writing
or in the deep recesses of your memory.

be quick to remember this pain
and do not return to the make shift shelter.

selah

Be strong and take heart,
       all you who hope in the LORD.
psalm 31

sometimes i am disappointed.
disappointed in people i put most of my hope in...
not like my "God-hope" but my
"you're one of the coolest most amazing persons i've ever met" type hope.
sometimes i am disappointed.

(rephrase that)
a lot of the times i am disappointed.

because people are just people.
we are sketchy
un-reliable
and constantly changing our minds.

keep changing your mind please.
(if you ask us for the sign of the Father we'll tell ya it's movement)

but sometimes i ask for consistency
and in that request,
i seek some solid ground,
some tangible solid ground on which to set my hopes...
and you quickly turn to quick quick sand.
(quick quick slow, quick quick slow)

we are supposed to be integral.
firm and focused.
not double minded and formless,
un-decisive.

hence the Bible starting:

in the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth
and the earth was without form and void and darkness was upon the face of the deep
and the Spirit of the LORD hovered over the face of the waters.

G-d saw the un-formed and began to create order.
He saw the shapeless and undefined and said,
no no, darkness isn't what i want. it is NOT good.
this formless heap of a mess.
"let there be light"
and THAT was good.
and He then SEPARATED the light from the darkness.

there was decisive action.
there was defined lines.
there was structure and stability.

so you may want to become a bit more defined
(i'm preaching to myself here)
you may want to make up your mind
and stick with it for once.

i cannot handle this wishy washy-ness.

(you are either hot or cold, you cannot be lukewarm because then you are nothing)

mmmm.

sometimes
a lot of the times
i am disappointed.

i am only human.
and so are you.
(your first name is weakness and your last name is cu....)
is cu.

and thus far,
i'm still trying to find someone who isn't a flake.


selah.
let it snow

it's sorta a late night for me.
bed time is usually around nine thirty -ish
ten only if i'm relaxing in my room reading or something...
i'm in a writing mood.
dad made us coffee because i have a lot of homework to finish up
seeing as it's the last week of school before christmas break.
(benny perez called christmas gracemas for his message
it was funny. christ is grace so i suppose it's fitting)

want to know something funny?
i wrote a blog about an hour ago that was very mean.
it was only like a paragraph
but i cursed like a lil sailor in it.
i posted it.
and went to my room to clean
and ran back up here to delete it.
sometimes i'm an idiot.
well, actually a lot of the times i'm an idiot.
(thank God that Jesus saved me from my idiot self)

cussing doesn't seem to bother me much
unless it's written or spoken in moments of heated passion.
if spoken solely for emotional effect it has no use...
but...
sometimes i think it accurately portrays my thoughts.

like sometimes i think i'm an ass hole.
and it's the only word that really does ME justice.
well...
no.
scum bag does me some justice too.

(thank God that Jesus saved me from my scum bag self)

uh,
today was sorta a train wreck of a day.
a train wreck in my self....

sometimes i just get so annoyed with me because i
can't accurately interpret what i'm feeling.

if i feel jealous or left out,
i just shut down
and say, "i'm just annoyed"
when actually i'm not annoyed,
i'm sad.

if i feel like i've missed someone a lot
and they don't exude the same emotion
i feel very insignificant.
but i usually just say, "i'm just annoyed"
and wallow in my own puddle of disgusting self pity.

if i have my eye on someone
and they don't seem to have their eye on me,
i feel unloved and unnoticed.
but, i'll probably just say,
"i'm just annoyed".
and go about my life being weirdly jealous if anyone else gets that
particular persons attention.

Abba is teaching me how to stop bottling up these stupid
feelings in the container of "i'm just annoyed" so
that i can not ruin a whole day because of my lack of self-understanding.

relationships are the hardest things to understand
deal with
and do correctly in all of creation.

no literally.
ALL OF CREATION.

mmm.
hahah.
some people....
some people are so...
so....
what's the word.....?
so caught up in themselves.

i never want to seem or be that way.

this one girl.
she literally thinks that everything i do is to hurt her.
yeah, okay, cool kid.
i just really really want to rub you the wrong way because
i'm so NOT busy with my own life.
yeah...
RIGHT.
she needs to start focusing on her own little self, for crying out loud.
so she can stop trying to blame me for all her insufficiencies.
(LORD, help me to love people like her! before i strangle her to death!)

funny thing:
i've been putting all my hair in this weird bob marley hat for like a week now.
it looks like i'm a cancer vic
but it feels like heaven.
(just a random side note)

senior year.
everything is so different.
and so new.
like the uncharted vast expanse of outer space.
would have never seen myself here at this time last year....
(ahahhaha, who knows what the hell i was thinking at this time last year?)

merry christmas.
i think i'm gonna start working on my homework now....
barf.
homework should be skinned and stabbed with pottery shards
and broken oyster shells and burned alive,
like Hypatia.
that tranny of a mathematician.

mmhmm.
and to all a good night.

selah.
(LORD, save me from myself.)

i think i'll write for a bit.
i never really like writing for the people on here...
i mean i do...
but my favorite is when i write like i would in my journal or something....
case and point:
right now.

boys, guys, men.
they're the biggest mystery to me.
i feel about 2 to 3 years older than all the guys my age
and i feel equal with those young fellows who are a tad older.
maybe because, according to dutch, "they know what's up".

i want my husband to sing to me.
sorta like that night techno sang to me,
cept, we won't be crying about any unfortunate mishaps.
he'll just want to sing to me because he's so absolutely inspired by God's love
and joy flowing through us.
mmhmm.
(preach it sister)

speaking of darling soul...
(no, i can't speak of darling soul, just yet)
selah. pause and calmly think on that.
but don't pause too long, cause you'll just get all reminiscent and weird.

so.
________ (left blank because no one knows who "my crush" is at the moment)
________ is a very swell soul and i am weirdly intrigued by him.
sucks cause that swell ol' soul will most likely choose the obvious choice and
leave me high and dry.
well, i wouldn't be dry.
maybe just high.
(drug reference? eh, no)
i wonder though, should i be wasting his time?
do i have the right to have these feelings?
oh, eff the rights.
rights are an escape for the weak.
is it okay WITH GOD to have these feelings?
(Beloved, i don't know)
________ is so precious to me on many levels.
so, therefore, until further notice i will love and cherish the friendship
we have. and respect him. and guard his very weathered heart.
and i will watch to see what my next move will be...

i think God moves in my life sorta like a monopoly game.
one move, maybe two at a time.
He sorta does that in a lot of people's lives....
"here's the instructions for today,
you'll find the next clue once you follow these."
(matthew 6:34 sufficient for each day is its own trouble)

for today,
he isn't my boyfriend...
he isn't really my anything.
other than _________ and friend.
so, for today.
i'll love him. and respect him. and pray that he has the happiest life possible.
and for today,
i can't worry about beloved soul
and for today,
i'm still working on learning my guitar scales
and for today,
i'm thinking my husbands gonna be better than me at his instrument/instruments
and i'm going to be very happy about that.
and for today,
i think i'll rest in the thought that Papa, Almighty God, Healer
is near. that He'll
that You'll always be near.
and no matter who i've "got my eye on"
or no matter where beloved soul is
or no matter how good i am at guitar...
You are near.
actually near doesn't really do it justice, does it, Darling?

it's more like you're IN.
You're in my bones,
Your graceful hands encompassing my fragile heart and
compressing it and releasing it...                     
                                                    in and out
                                                                        in and out
                                                                                            in and out
and You stand with Your face in front of mine,
eye to eye, nose to nose, mouth to mouth,
breathing...
                                                    in and out
                                                                       in and out
                                                                                            in and out
all that You breath out, i breath in
and as i breath out, You take my breath away.
therefore, i breath in
You breath out
i breath out
You breath in
You're in my muscles
making me want to dance.
i know i suck at it, but i know that when i'm moving my bones
when i'm moving my muscles
when i'm moving my veins and arteries and capillaries and all the other complex structures...
when i'm moving, i feel like that's where i can celebrate You most.
in movement.
(spiritually and physically)
"if they ask us for the sign of the Father, tell them it's movement"
and i sure to love to celebrate.

(i agree wholeheartedly, aaron)

so, for today.
i breath.
i dance.
i get stupid texts from swell guys that throw off my train off thought.
and i get back on track.
i breath
i dance
and
i hope
but just enough for today.
because sufficient for each day is its own troubles
sufficient for each day is its own breathing
its own dancing
its own stupid texts or worried thoughts or guitar lesson.
sufficient for each day is that day.

rambling on and on.

"when i die, what will they say about me?
will the work that i've done be enough to help someone.........?"

i think that songs put everything better.
i love music.
especially when it puts my thoughts out in the open, better.

and according to cev
i'm a "lil richie" because i have three guitars.
he's currently explaining to me that i should sell one of them
so i can make some "fast money".
and he called me "jelly bean".
cev is one of my favorite guys.

mmhmm.
now he's telling me he's gonna text jerm and tell him i love him.

oh, cev.
trifling fool.

i think that's enough writing for today.

selah.
thoughts get annoying.
so just shut up, self.
pause.
and calmly think.
on this:

"Be still and know that I AM God."
BE THE bleep STILL.

this sadness and suffering is like hair color,
it's temporary and it will grow out soon enough.

till then,
i'll be watching this video a million
times and it will perpetually give me
"happines shivers"

uncle paul says he cries every time he sees it
it's either because he's a hippie
or he just an incredibly in-tune man.





i don't really know why this matt guy dances.
all i know is,
whoever is fun enough to start something that
goes all over the world is a pretty cool guy.

uncle paul says, "it's just nice to see people so happy for once"
i agree.
its just nice to see pure, dorky, silly fun.
just because.

what if i danced....
not to be cool.
not to look pretty for all these silly guys.
not to be anything for anyone.
not so they can say i'm free.
not for anyones approval....
dancing for no earthly reason at all.
what if i danced
simply because.....

now
i
can.



selah.
i have a reason to dance.
just because He is near.

questions:
and also
thoughts:

would i rather be scared to listen to worship,
scared to open my bible,
scared to be alone with my thoughts for the rest of my life
WITH the unspoken?
or
would i rather live WITHOUT the unspoken and
be totally and absolutely surrendered to the Omnipresent,
unafraid of what a dark and lonely night might hold?

(hint: its the second one)

there is not one __________ i can think of that i find
at all reachable or at all worth my attention.
not one.
the whole sex in and of itself has sorta let me down.
(well, at least all the ones within a two year range of me.)
none of them seem to be.....
(to be continued)

i wonder if i've let them down, too.
(selah)
(eh-kehh-eh. the end of that thought)

again i say:
would i rather wake up in the morning, no phone,
no pressure to ask mom if you can can come,
no reason to shave,(ha)
no plans, no agenda,
just happy to be transparent?
or
wake up with a thousand things to do
just so you won't punch a hole in your wall again?

(hint: its the first one)

yeah,
i know.
almost all these little blogger-y things have something
to do with a couple re-occuring themes.
but, do you want to know why?
because i learn through past experience.
hind sight is 20/20, member?
(maybe you "didn't really learn anything" but i actually did)
because everything is a lesson.
waking up this morning was a lesson.
the spanish national honors society breakfast was a lesson.
denham is a lesson.
worship, and not looking around, that's a lesson.

i'm pretty sure our God wanted us to learn
through everything that happens to us.
from the smallest to the largest.
from the biggest mistake i ever made
to the tiny whispered words i speak.

everything is a lesson.
and everything is a lot more important than
we all ever realized.

not everything is joke.
not every retarded guy should be made fun of at...(to be continued)
not every funny saying is a "that's what she said"
(sex is a lot more sacred than that)
(and if "she" knew you were saying that crap about her, she'd sock you in the juevos)
and not everything needs to be laughed at.

sorry this is a bit mom like...
well actually,
no i'm not sorry.
this is something that's really been pressing on my heart
for awhile and i'm so sick of the level we...
{ you AND i }
have stooped to.

whatever happened to
"a generation rising up to take their place"
whatever happened to integrity
and a sense of what is to be kept sacred.
a sense of humility
whatever happened to looking out for each other?
or keeping things a secret so as to protect those who trusted you...
whatever happened to the stand-up gentleman?
whatever happened to the delicate and poised lady?
whatever has happened,
it needs to be fixed.
and soon.
because we have a dying world out there.
that guy you're making fun of,
that girl who copies your style,
that boy who hates your guts,
you're ex,
yeah, them...
they're dying!
and we're selfish enough to forget their
souls and go on laughing and joking
and eating our pizza.
yeah,
COOL!

we're selfish.
we're way too "funny".
we're living a life that our silly generation created
when we are supposed to be living according to the kingdom.
the kingdom has DIFFERENT rules
different standards
and different ways of handling things.

lets stop doing just what everyone else does
lets stop being so easily tossed by the wind.
let's STOP ALREADY.
no more "that's what she says"
no more initial cussing
no more making fun
no more bad talking
no more
no more.
it's the little foxes.
not always just the BIG foxes


seriously.
SERIOUSLY!

enough is enough.
stand up for something for once.
enough is enough.

selah.
and i'm not sorry.

hebrews 12: 1-3
Do you see what this means?
all these pioneers who blazed the way,
all these veterans cheering us on?
It means we'd better get on with it.
Strip down,
start running
and never quit!
No extra spiritual fat,
no parasitic sins.
Keep your eyes on Jesus,
who both began and finished this race we're in.
Study how he did it.

get a load ah these guys




































if only i was this cool.

it was like being underwater.
where the watery sounds fill your ears
the blue clear substance consumes the view
every sound is transfered through the liquid conductor
muffled
distorted
you are the water.
pressure the deeper i go.
your heart is a deep ocean
dense and dark and watery
thick and full
consuming every thought
every breath
every thing

i'm going under water.
until all i can hear is what You transfer to my ears
all i see is what you show
everything has the blue tint
and our hair looks like ariel's.
you make everything look a lot different
and a lot more interesting.
maybe we were meant to live underwater.
well
not maybe.
we WERE made to live under water.

dive deep.
take a deep deep deep breath.
and maybe one day you'll just grow some gills
so you can live in constant contact with the all consuming water.

i think i'm growing gills.
out of water feels strange.
my feet are constantly prune-y.
my fingertips too.
my hair is always like ariel's now.
i never want to walk on land again.
i missed these deep oceans.
the vast expanse of which i may never know.
but i'll keep swimming in
and diving deeper
and seeing how long i can stay under water at one time.

i live in the water.
and if you'll come in these waters with me,
we can swim and dive and discover together.
please come in, my only.
please come in, beloveds.
please come in, cherish.

i don't think i've ever been more happy after church than i am right this moment.
God did so much
and
it wasnt through a speaker
or through worship
or even including that one person (the one we do not speak of)
no.

God is a God of surprises.
if He had a theme song it would be the one from Dan in Real Life...
yeah you know the one i'm talking about...
"baby, be prepared to be surprise...."
that's God's official new theme song.

any-whoo
God is beautiful.
God is beautiful through my darlingest Fish.
i missed her.
and now i have a strange wanting to be in her life again.
she is truly beautiful.
God is beautiful through my unspoken "storm testimony"
me and God will hold it near and dear for just us to share.
(and maybe my David)
(aka i'm jonathon. and she's david)
(don't go running off with some weird ideas...)
...
God is beautiful through this new found confidence
it's kinda like new found glory.
but replace glory with confidence.
my new found confidence.
i've only recently discovered this hidden treasure.
so recent, in fact, that i actually only really understood it tonight.
i can't stop smiling.
how funny.
God is beautiful when He whispers sweet nothings into my ear
He says, "it's going to be okay, isn't it, my Dove?
I still bless those who love Me, no matter whose hand the unspoken may hold.
I still bless
and everything, my Beauty,
EVERYTHING is going to be just fine"
He is beautiful when He finally becomes my Only.
yes.
i know i used that to describe other things before
but nothing is as special as the title i give now.
He, my Beloved, is now, finally, my ONLY.
He is beautiful through the darling from Loui.
i miss her alreay
and she is so wonderful.
if she were a plant she'd be a newly sprouting lily.
right out of its seed's shell.
she is new
and she is truly a beautiful woman.
God is beautiful through those who were once the reapers of my jealousy.
this treasured darling is so gorgeous in my eyes.
i've never seen her open
and when she became transparent,
i found a huge place in my heart for her.
she is going to make a man so amazingly happy one day
and i'm so glad i get to watch her grow.
God is amazing through the secret crush.
when i know this secret is untouchable
yet dare to hope for another day.
he raises my standards and he doesnt even know i'm watching.
how funny.
God is beautiful when i hold my tongue.
i have plenty of opportunities to do otherwise.
and i am patting myself on the back for stitchin' my nasty well closed for a night.
and God's proud too, He just told me.
haha. and it may deserve an lol.
God is beautiful because i see Him now.
more than i once saw the unspoken.
God is beautiful when the rain won't stop coming down
and you have to go outside to jump in all the puddles.
God must secretly like us.
or maybe,
not so secretly.



i believe He is the
most wonderful
most amazing
most steadfast
most intricate
most adventurous
most adorable
most romantic
most absolutely beautiful creature,
thing,
entity
that i, chloe christine, have ever beheld in the entirety of my existence.

God, the Almighty, the Living Love, the Changer, the Rock, the Husband, the Forgiver, the Merciful...
this God will never be outshone.
this God is...
literally,
personifies beauty.
He is beauty.
and i'm so madly in love with Him.

praise the Beautiful.
praise the Merciful.
praise the Lifter.
praise the Sun-giver.
praise the Moon-riser.
praise the Hope.
praise the Steadfast.
praise the Refresher.
praise the Surpriser.
praise Him for all that He is.

praise.
praise.

He is beautiful.

selah.
i'm head over heels.

hi, my name is chloe christine.
i am a lady.
i have some good friends
and some not so good friends.
a lot has happened in the past two months.
a lot has changed.
and i am very very humbled at the moment.

why you ask?
because i messed up.
once again.

so i'm saying sorry right now.
maybe no one will see this
but maybe i just need to say it somewhere.

forgive me.

to the boys:
i'm sorry that i don't respect a lot of you.
i'm naturally sarcastic and that usually is aimed at
making fun of you. I'm sorry.
i want to respect you like the men of God you are.
and i'm learning day by day how much i truly appreciate every true man of God in my life.
i promise to grow up...
and learn to treat you guys with love and respect.

to one girl:
i'm sorry that i judged you.
i'm sorry i became extra bitter towards you when i didnt even know the
circumstances. you are so beautiful and funny and darling. and i only
wanted to tear you down to make myself feel better.
i'm learning how to love my sisters in christ.
i love you very much, dearest sister.

to that one boy:
i'm most sorry to you.

I'm sorry for everything.
i didnt protect you, my brother, when you needed it most.
i took what wasnt mine and
i expected way more than you could ever accomplish for me.
i'm sorry i made promises i couldnt keep.
i am sorry that i didnt guard your beautiful heart.
i'm sorry i may have caused even the slightest drama in your life.
i'm sorry that i talked about you behind your back....
no matter how small and silly it may have been.
i'm sorry that i am
or....
i'm sorry that i was who i was.
from the deepest parts of my silly little heart, my brother,
I am so sorry.
i am sorry that i wasnt smarter.
and i will forever be learning from the mistakes i've only recently come to see.


to everyone:
i'm sorry.
for hurting you.
for dashing your hopes.
for not trusting you.
for not loving you.
for not serving you.
for making fun of you.
for not protecting you.
for ignoring you.
for giving you dirty looks.
for acting like i was better than you.
for thinking of myself before i thought of you.

honestly, brothers and sisters,
i'm only human.
and i can promise you that i am going to mess up a trillion more times.
i just thought i should formally recognize my many mistakes
and im sure i barely scratched the surface of all i've done.

once again, to everyone,
i'm so sorry.

i am chloe christine.
and i am humbled.