the original title no longer applies.
chloechristine



dearest whomever it may concern,
if i had a time warping machine of some sort
i would time warp you into the neolithic age
where i could never hear from or see you again.

.........................

dear torturer,
please leave me to my sleep.
please leave me to my thoughts.
please leave me to my life.

.........................

dear haunter,
crawl back into the yawning grave from whence you arose.
the dead stay dead.
and i declare you dead.
so die.

.......................

dear Jesus,
these weapons feel so feeble.
my hands quiver and i drop my sword.
where can i hide from my memories?
where can i run from my past?

......................

dear eyes,
soak up your tears.
the rainfall of this sorrow must come to an end.

.......................

dear heart,
you're whole.
completely and entirely new.
wake up to the life that is in you.
that you are now composed of.

......................

dear chloe,
come back.
stop this creating your own pain.
stay away.
close your eyes.
plug your ears.
scream at the top of your lungs.

......................

because you are the head and not the tail.
you are above only and never beneath.
no past, no mistake, no crippling pain will separate me from the Love of God.

come the ripping of my flesh.
come the fire on my feet.
come the tearing of old wounds.
the healing
cleansing
renewing
reinvigorating 
love of my Jesus will restore.

all that was lost is now gained back.
and more.
all that you planned for evil, Accuser,
my God is using for my good.

i leap in bounds towards the sunrise that is my future.
i crave the dwelling place of my Lover.
i cling to all the hope He promises and daily supplies.



what can man do to me?
what can man do to me?
what can man do to me?
what can man do to me?








.................


My hope everlasting.
My love eternal.
My faithfulness to the end of the furthest reaches of the universe
and then some.
My arms never leave you by yourself.
My heart is for you.
My eyes are on you.
you are never abandoned to your thoughts.
you are never alone in your memories.
I am holding you up.
you will never be let down by My love.
you will never taste the pain of regret when you trust in Me.
let go.
let go.
let go.
let go.
let go.
let go.





with every tear drop
let the past pass from you.
each tear a memory now cleansed.

My blood is all consuming.
the flames of My love devour you.
never be overwhelmed.
never believe the lie of abandonment.
never be afraid of what men do or did.

let go.
let go.
let go.


My love is abundant.
My grace sufficient.
My blood pure.


so let go.


.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

and with that
God leaves me completely in awe.


God,
You are the ultimate ruiner of blogs.
all my stupid plans go out the window
when Your words fill my head.
and overwhelm my fears.
and pain.


I'd much rather listen to Him anyways.
good night.



hallelujah.
He reigns.


note to self. (coffee at midnight isn't a smart idea)
chloechristine
originally, i'd planned on reading bleach until i got tired.
but then i felt like writing. and talking. and lurking.


..........

and so. 
this came to mind.

..........


i'm not missing out.
i'm not losing.
i'm not a failure.
i'm not broken or breaking.
i'm not stuck in the muck and mire of the past.
i'm washed clean in the blood.

no mud left.
no scars to speak of.
just a story of redemption.
of truth.

of THE way. THE truth. and THE life.

i thought i knew the way.
(i was wrong).
i thought i could see the truth.
(how blind i was).
i thought i was reaching for life.
(when really, you only handed me death upon death).

my eyes cringe in the light of this bright sunshine.
for so long i've crept in the darkness of your looming shadow.
but finally, the warmth of truth.
the warmth of daylight kisses my cold heart.
and in this light the darkness seems so obvious.
how did i not know before?

only when you're in the light
can you see the darkness for what it is.

you're not "the darkness".
you're not an evil menace trying to defeat me.

but what you allowed to work through you...
the deception.
the lure of "what if".
the utter lack of open, honest truth.
that...

that's the darkness.

in the light of truth i can finally rest.

it stings.
my eyes may burn a bit.
i may have to get used to this new environment.
but that's fine.

i've seen the way.
i've seen the truth.
i've seen the life.
and the light.

i'm home here.


in the sunlight of truth.


........



thank you, my God.
Your truth melts away the icey cavern i created in my heart.
i'm happy to be where you are.
without a shadow (of a doubt).
without the shadow in general.
here, with You, my God
i can rest easy.
though the storm rages around me.
the waves yell in protest to Your peace.
i rest on Your chest.
close enough to hear Your steady, resting heart rate.
i never want to move from this place.
i'm overjoyed to be where You are.
without a veil of doubt.
or confusion.
or "what if".
just You.
and i.

though the waters rage around us,
i hear nothing but this heart beat of Yours.
i'm consumed with the "You and i".

i'm consumed.
and i finally rest.
in the arms of MY God.
MY refuge.
MY fortress.
The ground that never vanishes from beneath my feet.



my God, i am consumed.







and that's the first time i've written
without it feeling like pulling teeth in...
i don't even know how long.
heh.
it's nice to have those writing juices flowing again.

the piano
chloechristine
everyday on my way to my seat in art history i have to walk by a piano.
right in the front of class.
the keys are always showing and it's so tempting.
i just want to bang the keys as i walk by.
surprise everybody.
make them jump.
crack up.
and then continue walking to my seat.

but i won't.

...............

i guess that's all that i want to say.
there was no one here to tell.
so i'll tell you.

tumblr.
chloechristine
when i think of words to write i'll write em here.

when i have pictures to post....i will now be posting them here:

http://chloverleaf.tumblr.com/



that is all for now.

notes from expository.
chloechristine
communist manifesto:


1.1848
2. published in german in england
3. written to laborers? wide range and mid range classes of other countries
4. written in a sort of academic way (scholars/ teachers)
5. able to read or write (upperclass)
6. religious folks
7. written to inspire change in other countries. fear of this super power.

who can change things?

the crowd? the literate proletariat? the few in the upper class who could spark/instigate change?


scholarly language. how does it work or not work?

"harping on capitalism".


during industrial revolution.
outsourcing.
fair trade.
coming out of fuedal system.


"when discussing globalization, i get very angry." - doaine b.

"the bible isn't dead. it's about humanity."

thoreau. is that how you spell thur-oh?
mmm.


education.
sex education? i wonder what i should write about.



today is good.
today is good.
in jesus name.
in jesus name.
shut up brains.
shut up emotions.
God is in charge.



writing options:
1. Civil Rights
2. Peace Movements
3. Women's Movements
4. Green Movements

the haunting.
chloechristine
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please. 
please leave my mind in peace. 
please. 
i'm begging you.

(i can't stand this for much longer)



(no subject)
chloechristine
you have me shaking like a leaf.
i quiver at your touch.

blow through my boughs. 
grace my skin.



and call me your own.

something. and nothing.
chloechristine
there is something I want to tell you...

it weighs like a boulder in my chest
making it hard to breath.

there is nothing I want to tell you...

nothing I want to admit.

why can't I think of the words to say?
why do i feel this welling of emotion, yet it stops at the tip of my tongue?
why can't I tell you...?
or myself.















this is today.
yesterday was yesterday.
i'd like to live now.
and move forward.













-don't say it. don't say it. don't say it.-

fitting into a plan
chloechristine
in the end, i hope i said the right things.
and did the right things.
treated you better than you deserve.

forgave and forgive continuously.
loved and tried to hold my tongue.
treating you better than you deserve.

this wet rag has been rung and rung and rung
till the last drop drips through the cracks between my fingers.
dried up.

to say i've had enough of you is putting it lightly.

in the end, i'd like to think this will end up with something good.
in the end, i'd like to hope you'll screw your backwards head on straight.
in the end...
i just... regret.


for we are assured and know beyond doubt, 
that God being a partner in their labor,
all things work together and are fitting into a plan for good
to and for those who love God and are called 
according to His design and purpose.

with God as my partner
the hell you put me through will blossom into something good.
in Jesus name.
and with God as my partner.



in the end.

i like my eggs sunny side up
chloechristine
have you ever seen runaway bride?
well, in this movie, julia roberts almost gets married a bunch of times but never goes
through with it. hence.."the runaway bride".
then of course she discovers richard gere and they fall in love...
blah blah blah.

one of the scenes i was thinking about this morning 
is a scene where richard gere's character asks julia's character how she likes her eggs cooked.
julia's answer suspiciously matches type of eggs her boyfriend said he liked.

so richard goes and asks all of her other boyfriends what style of egg she liked,
and all of them say "the same way I liked mine cooked..."

at the end of the movie, julia tries all the different styles of eggs there are...
scrambled. poached. over easy. sunny side up.
and discovers which one SHE actually likes.
on her own volition.

.................


I liked my eggs sunny side up. sometimes...
well, usually runny.


................

if purity is just something un-mixed.
something purely its own...
then i do not think i'm very close to being purely what God made me.

i'm a mix of someone's opinion here.
a magazine add there.
and a little bit of "my own"-ness somewhere in the melting pot, too...

i'm trying to discover who i am.
purely.
minus all my ex-boyfriend's opinions.
minus my comparisons with other girls.
minus my fear of not being cool.
minus what music everyone ELSE enjoys.
minus how other people worship or sing.
minus how someone does her hair.
minus how other girls flirt, or talk, or dress, or walk.

purely chloe,
purely this unique, new creation that i know i am in the finished work of Jesus.
un-mixed.

..........

sometimes things aren't all so spiritual...
"know who you are in Christ" everyone  tells me.
here's the thing:
i can quote scriptures and memorize till i'm blue in the face,
but if i can't apply it to real life, or real things then what's the use.

what does being a "new creation" mean when i'm getting dressed?
or when i'm writing music?
or when i'm talking to my friends?

new.
completely unheard of.
new in age.
new in form.
an original work of art, a one of a kind masterpiece.
creative.
fresh.
blooming with life.

not some copy of what someone thought was awesome in 9th grade.
or what some boy said i looked pretty in.

in and of Himself,
Christ makes me the most unique Chloe' Christine there ever was or ever will be.
and in that,
i am purely a new creation.

i like to wear dresses. 
i like blindside. any day of the week.
i love to sing really loud in the shower.
i like quiet mornings.
i like my guitar.
my heart is beaming when i get to sing praise and i actually think about the words and what they mean.
i love holding hands.
i like my hair up.
sometimes i want to chop it all off just for fun.
i like my white skin and no i don't want a tan.
i don't have a tiny, itsy bitsy waist, or butt or thighs....but you know what?
i'm okay with it. 
i'm really good at finding the best in people...when i put my heart into it.
i love school and i love learning stuff. and, according to my grades, i'm pretty good at it too.
most of all....
i am so madly in love with Jesus.
in Him i see that this earth,
my friends, my family,
my lungs, my breath...
each and every detail is some sort of symphony He's orchestrating.
and it reaches the ears of my soul and makes me want to bust out in jumps and leaps and yells and screams.

nothing has ever felt more right than when i'm just sitting here,
listening and watching and considering His melodies.
His masterpiece.
the brush strokes of His love and grace that are painted across the universe.

I love the artist that is my God.
and in that, i am secure.
in Him i am secure.
and purely who He has made me to be.

a work of art.
a note in His chorus.
a dab of paint on this canvas.
.......




this is me.
so far....


and currently, God is burning off all of the excess labels and opinions and "cool"ness that's caked all over me.
boiling me down to purely chloe, Christ's beloved new creation.

.......


stoked for what's next.
selah.

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